Don't get too attached
by sophisticatedharlot
Summary: Karkat has decided not to let anybody into his life to love, because if he did they would have to deal with his anger. And when he gets angry, watch out. With his occasional mood swings people leave but he's managed to keep around a few friends. But what happens when Karkat can't take it anymore?
1. Chapter one: hour in which i die

Chapter one: Hour in which I die

Karkat's P.O.V

_Don't get too attached to someone you could lose_. This is the rule I go by each and every day of my pitiful life. I have no friends, I am a shut in except when I go to school and am forced to interact with humans. It's stupid, and it's dangerous.

And that dreadful man, the one that I hate. It seems to always be my fault, no matter what. Whether it be my personality, my looks, or just in general, me. I'm always at fault. I can't please him, never, that man, I'm always walking on eggshells around him. I can't stand up to him because if I did, it would be considered, _defiant_. I can't be myself around him, so I put on a smile and am someone else.

This is a lie, this is not the real me. I have become a monster, at least that's what I feel like when I walk out the door. I don't care, or at least I don't think I do. I'm a lie. I'm a lie to myself.

But it's okay, isn't it? We all lie at one point or another. I didn't think I could hate somebody this much. He's a Six foot Eight, Three hundred and twenty pound man with a beer gut. A _Budweiser_ in one hand, the _remote_ in the other. His name is irrelevant, yet I call him Crab dad, and he is my foster father. My name is Karkat Vantas, and this is my hell.

My life is on this one IM called pesterchum, and I have managed to make a few friends there. Terezi, John, Dave, Gamzee, Tavros, and Sollux. Sollux is the oldest out of my friends, he is twenty six, I am seventeen, John and Dave are eighteen ,Terezi is twenty, Gamzee is twenty three and Tavros is twenty.

Why am I the youngest?

I huff and hear crab dad calling for me, I put on pesterchum that I am away and go to see what he wants. Crab dad is on the couch with is Budweiser in one hand and the remote in the other, his perfect stance.

"What?" I ask in a grumpy tone.

"Go make dinner," he demands.

I don't want to, I don't want to do anything that this man tells me to do. I usually just do what he says though, but today? I'm sick and tired of it, and maybe I'll get killed and he'll hide my body and explain to the police that a kid named Karkat Vantas never lived here.

"No."

He looks at me, "What?"

"No."

"Say that again?"

"No."

He chucks the remote at me and it hits me in the neck, "Say it again you little fuck."

I glare at him, "Fuck no go make it yourself."

He gets up, _fuck_, I clear my throat and stand my ground.

"I said no you big fat fuck, why don't you go stuff your face full of Cheetos or something? You never get any pussy and you are incapable of taking care of a simple fuck up for a child. So no, go fuck yourself."

He hit me, hard. I take it, I always do. My hatred for that man began to grow like cells in a petrei dish, the thing about foster homes is that the state usually never checks the homes. I just had to wait another year and then I would be on welfare or something. _Something_ to get me out of here.

His hands wrapped around my neck and began to choke me, this was all over dinner. I scratched at his hands with my fingernails, succeeding in making marks on him. He let go and punched me in my face, I fell back on my butt, holding in my anger and tears.

"Fine, I'll order something out," he slurred.

I got up and went to my room locking the door and going to the computer sending out a memo.

CG: IF ANYONE CAN GIVE ME THEIR NUMBER TO HEAR ME RANT PLEASE

CG: PLEASE DO SO

CG: I AM BEGGING YOU

CG: SOMEONE GIVE ME THEIR FUCKING NUMBER

I suddenly got a reply from twinArmageddons, who is Sollux, and who messaged me in private chat. I saw his number and quickly got my cell phone and dialed the number.

"Hello?" the male voice said.

"Sollux?"

"Thatth me," he chuckled, "but really, what ith thith ranting you need to go on about? Ith it thomething important or just willy nilly thit? Cauthe I have thit to do."

I blurt it out, "I'm thinking of killing myself."


	2. Chapter two: And counting

Chapter two: And counting

Karkat's P.O.V

Sollux chuckles , I feel like its mocking me in some way and I could see him shaking his head, "Your joking right? I mean whatth tho bad in your life that you want to kill yourthelf? Are you lonely? Then get a girlfriend, itth quiet simple."

Tears welled up in my eyes and I squeezed the phone tightly, "kk? You there?"

"How dare you ask such a question you douche, do you even know what's going on in my life? I don't think so. Do you know what he does to me? I don't think so. Do you even know how I feel? I don't fucking think so."

Sollux is quiet, "kk, im thorry."

"No you're not, or you wouldn't of asked such a question."

"Talk to me kk."

I take in a shaky breath, letting it out, "I want to kill myself because I'm sick and tired of crab dads' bulllshit. Beating me, telling me I'm worthless, don't you think I already know that?"

"kk you're not worthleth."

"Shut up."

Sollux does and I continue, "I tired, emotionally drained you know? I've been cutting and not eating and staying up all hours of the night not sleeping, I just can't do anything anymore. I'm so sad and tired and depressed that I just don't want to live anymore, I'm…"

I feel it rise in me, the hitting, I feel the busies start to pump underneath me. I start to pant.

"kk, are you alright? What's going on?"

"I'm so fucking angry I'm willing to do anything dangerous right now."

"Don't."

"Bang my head into a concrete wall a few times until I bleed out."

"kk."

"Walk around and get into fights with big biker guys and let them pummel me to a pulp."

"kk!"

"Sollux," tears well over and I cover half of my face with my hand, "I don't want to live anymore, I don't want to live here, I don't want to.." sniffle, "help me Sollux."

"Okay, I will help you. Pleathe tell me where you live."

"I live in Manhattan, New York."

"Okay, perthonally that'th not far from where I live, I live in Bronx. I'll go by car but uthually it will be fathter by thubway you know? But pack everything you can and then meet me outthide. Look for a black Jaguar."

I nod, "Okay, I'm a short skinny kid going to be in a grey pull over hoodie and black jeans with a suitcase and a backpack, oh and Sollux?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll be crying and looking like im hating the world, you won't miss me."

A pause, "Alright, give me your addreth."

I did and began getting out clothes and tossing them on the bed. Basically they just consisted of Jacets, hoodies, t-shirts, long sleeved shirts, and pants. And one pait of extra shoes. I stuffed all that in my suitcase and then got out a grey Jansport bag with cherrys on it and began to stuff what I needed in there. Charagers, books, cell phone, iPod, money, wallet, shit like that.

I put it on my bag and went over to the window, opening it and throwing my suitcase out onto the lawn and hoping up onto the pane and then jumping off. I landed on my feet and rolled to the ground, I tried to stand and my foot hurt, shooting pain up my leg.

I limped out to the curb and sat there, watching the cars go by. It was eleven at night, the prime time for people to get mugged, the prime time for graffiti. I hung my head down and sobbed, _maybe I should just go over to someone and pick a fight, maybe I should just go get mugged but put up a fight and get stabbed, maybe-_

I heard a car pull up and I looked up to see a slick black car, the door opened on the other side and the clicking of shoes came around and I looked at the figure who was a male in his twenties looking worried. It was Sollux.

I wanted to smile, but I just wouldn't. My lips wouldn't upturn.

"I'm sorry Sollux."

"For what? C'mon get in."

"I can't, I hurt my foot."

"Oh, okay."

Sollux took my suitcase and threw it in the trunk, then took my backpack and also threw it in the back. He then opened the backdoor and lifted me up, I let out a squeak and held into him as he set me in the nice interior.

"There, I'll get you thomething to eat too, are you hungry?"

I look away, I am dreadfully hungry, "No."

He looks at me, "Okay."

He gets in the car and buckles up, now putting the car in drive and getting on the nearest street to Bronx, New York. I place my head on the window and close my eyes. All I hear is yelling in my head and I furrow my eyebrows, it starts to go away since now I'm hearing soft cello music from the cars stereo system.

I'm drifting off and I hold the tears back, taking in shaky breaths.

I am asleep now, and all I see are nightmares.


	3. Chapter three: Terrors

Chapter three: Terrors

Karkat's P.O.V

_I guess when you're in the terrible abyss of darkness when you're dreaming of terrible nightmare terrors, you start convulsing in your sleep and the guy next to you starts to get just a tad worried, well, not tad. Very._

_I feel my name being called from the black abyss, the voice telling me to wake up. My bottom lip quivers and my eyes start to open, I am dreadfully tired and I want to sleep more but I know I cannot because if I do then I will go back to my night terrors._

I look around and see I am in a white walled room with posters on the walls, I am on a nice, soft, big bed and I just want to snuggle into it. My eyes shift over to the person calling my name and I see it's Sollux, he looks worried and is very close to me.

I back up from him with my elbows, "What the fuck are you staring at?" I ask in a grumpy, raspy tone.

"You were convulthing in your thleep, I had to wake you up, it looked like you were having a theizure."

I rested my head on the pillow, looking at him with the major black bags underneath my eyes, Sollux then got off the chair and sat on the edge of the bed. He started to touch my head in a comforting manor and I started to freak out, I jerked back and glared at him, "Don't touch me."

He looked hurt, then I saw him look closer at the dried blood dripping from my nose, he started to notice all of the things on me that were wrong.

"You thaid that your father beat you?" he asked clenching his teeth.

I looked away, "Foster father, and yes."

"Can I thee what he hath done to you?" he asks in a more softer tone.

My eyes widen in fear and my eyes start to water, _hold it together Karkat, and stop being a fucking cry baby._ I grasp the sheets and shut my eyes, "If you see everything he has been doing to me, you'll see what _I've_ been doing too."

Sollux pauses and I think he's going to take back what he said he wants to see, but instead he places his hand on mine and looks at me with a serious face, "I think I can handle it."

I nod, sitting up straight and sliding off the hoodie, all you see are bruises up and down my arms. I start to take off the t-shirt I have on and you see hand marks and scratches on my chest and abdomen. But what's _nasty_ is on my arms and on various parts of my body is the burn marks and the gashes that I've made on my own out of my own anger towards him and myself.

I look away, the tears threating to pour over. I feel Sollux's hands start to wander on me and I am shaking, he takes me into a hug and my eyes are wide, I blink and the tears fall over. _A hug? What's a hug? I am not capable of a hug._

"You're not going back there even if it killth me," he says.

He wraps his arms around my tiny, threating to become nothing waist, and nuzzles his head into my shoulder. I let him hug me and don't hug back, I feel like a limp doll. I averted my gaze and Sollux pulls away and looks at me, "You don't want to hug back? It'll make you feel better."

"I don't know how to hug," I say shyly.

Sollux frowns sadly, then smiles softly, "I'll teach you."

Sollux takes my arms and I flinch at the touch of someone else touching them besides me, he says sorry and I say it's alright. He takes them more gently and wraps them around his shoulders, then he wraps his arms around my waist.

"I feel awkward," I say.

"Jutht let the feeling come to you kk, you might like it," he says softly.

I let the feeling come to me and it feels awfully weird, this warm feeling in my stomach and I start to push Sollux away, "I-I don't like this, I don't know how to feel about hugging."

My heart hurts and I push my head into my hands, sobbing. I feel weak, I feel exposed, I don't want Sollux to see me like this, but yet he does and is petting my hair softly.

"It'th okay kk, you can let it out until you feel better."

I nod.

"Jutht take it that you are not going back to that wretched place, I'm going to protect you at all cothtth, even if it cothtth my life."

"You're fucking stupid," I sob, "I can't just be taken out of the system and then they just leave me alone! They're going to come and find me you ass, I have to go back at some time, I have to-"

"Thut up kk, you are _not_ going back," he says putting his finger to my lips.

I shut up, I can't argue with this adult because he is set on _protecting_ me. I avert my eyes and rest my head into Sollux's chest, closing my eyes.

"I'm tired," I say.

"I know, you look it, try and thleep okay? I'll be here."

I don't nod or anything and start to drift off. There I begin to dream again, only nightmares come to my mind and engulf me in my worries and fears. Down, down through the hole of anger, mood swings and depression.

_Burning._

_Blood._

_Cutting. _

_Bruises._

_Yelling._

I wake up screaming and see the light peek through the curtains, I look around and see Sollux at his desk, he is looking at me through worried glasses, he opens his mouth, probably going to ask if I'm okay or not and I stop him.

"Don't fucking ask," I say.

He closes his mouth and nods. I pull over the blanket to see that my foot is bandaged up and I blush, I want to say thank you, really fucking badly. But it's not really in my vocabulary, and I curse myself with karma and jinxing of a thousand demons for not saying thank you to Sollux.

I swing my legs over the bed and stand softly on my injured foot, I realize I am shirtless and I put on my pull over hoodie. I limp over to the door and ask Sollux where the bathroom is.

"Down the hall and to the right, do you need any help?"

I blush a light pink and glare at him, "No."

I open the door and limp down the hall and to the bathroom, closing the door and lifting the toilet lid up. I unzipped and unbuttoned and started to relieve myself, I closed my eyes and let out a breath. I shook twice and put it away, turning to go wash my hands. But I guess I turned to quick on my injured foot and it clicked and I yelped, falling.

I crashed to the floor and groaned, "Shit."

I called Sollux's name loudly a couple times and he opened the door in a rush, he looked around and then looked on the ground, he made a sad face and knelt down towards me.

"How about that help now?" he asked.

I nod and he helps me up, but then scoops me up. Picking me up from behind the knees and holding my back, I wrap my arms around his neck and cling to him as he walks with me in his arms to his room.

"Your light, very light, too light," he says with worry in his voice.

"I don't care," I say into his neck.

"You thhould, at thith rate you're going to wither away to nothing and die, I don't want that."

"I don't care about dying," I say honestly as he set me on the bed and puts the blanket on me, he kissed my forehead and I swung at him, missing him, "Don't do that Sollux, I'll fucking hit you."

He chuckles and nods, but then sits on the edge of the bed next to me, "You shouldn't want to die, I'll thhow you that life is worth living."

I shift my eyes away and make a _whur-ing_ sound, Sollux smiles at me and I feel uncomfortable. "If you need anything jutht let me know, don't be afraid to athk and pull me away from my work."

I nod and watch him go back to his desk. I take in a deep breath and think_, Why does Sollux, a twenty six year old shut in want with me? Maybe he's trying to help me but Karkat, remember, don't get attached to this techie, you don't want to get hurt._


	4. Chapter four: The feeling

Chapter four: The feeling

Sollux's P.O.V

_Act on impulse. Swallow the pills by the bottle, down the bottle of hard liquor, and put the gun to your chest hoping to end it all. Wish you could turn off all the voices. The questions. The sound. So close on the trail of ugliness, close out all the trails of filth and despair. Find the light._

_Cast away yesterday, and the day before that, months, years, days, today. Cast away all fucking judgment._

_Stop the fear._

_Stop the loathing._

_Somehow, stop all the pain._

_Most of all pain._

_I should have put the gun to my head, worried less about brain dead and more about being dead. Instead I put it to my heart, more of a reason to make it stop beating. To stop breathing._

_It's a curious place, the place of blood loss, anesthesia, and the smell of antiseptic._

_You swim to the top from the dark hole you are in and everything hits you like you are on the train tracks, its messy. Voices, faces, Pain._

_Pretty peaceful here most of the time, as long as I get my meds on time._

_Get it?_

_If you don't you have never been baker acted in your whole life._

_Wasted__._

_That's the only way to get by in the Looney bin._

"Sollux!" I hear Karkat's angry voice call for mine and I turn around from my work to see him looking at me with angry, tired eyes.

"Yeth?"

"Can I have some water and maybe a sandwich?"

I smile, "Of courthe."

I want him to say please, at least once. He's been here for a day and a half, mostly he has been sleeping and only asking for food. I wonder when it will come time for him to go to the bathroom what he's going to say when I have to go in with him.

I go to the kitchen and make him a sandwich, roast beef on rye with mayo and mustard. Karkat is specific. Very specific. I make the sandwich and hear the whispering. My eyes widen and I just don't get it. _I took my meds, why would they be coming out?_

I take a breath in and bring the sandwich up to Karkat, he nods and I want him to say thank you to me, but he doesn't.

_Hit him._

_What? No I will not._

_Yes, do it, he is rude and not respectful to you._

_He is fine, that's just kk's personality, please go away._

_Hit him you pussy._

I take in a deep breath and go over to my desk, my heart hurts and I do not want to hit Karkat. He is my friend and he trusts me. I do not want to scare him away.

_You see this? You cannot do it because you like him don't you?_

"No," I say in a whisper.

_You do, you fall so fucking easily._

"Hey, Sollux, you okay?" Karkat asks, seeming a bit worried.

My teeth are chattering and I do not want to tell him what is going on, he will leave me. Just like the others, I turn to him putting on a smile, "Jutht fine kk."

Karkat eyes me and takes a bite out of his sandwich, "Oh, alright."

I turn back to my work, which consists of coding for a few companies. I have them up on various screens and am scanning my eyes from one to the other.

"Sollux?"

Karkat broke my concentration and my head perked up, "Yeth?"

"I can't sleep anymore, so um, can we talk about stuff or some shit?"

"Ugh, I really can't. I am working."

"..Oh, okay."

Karkat seems sad and I feel terrible, "Um, maybe in like five minutes I can take a break okay?"

I think I can imagine him smiling, even though if I turn it would be a frown, "Okay."

I work and get really into it, my fingers move fast and my eyes scan from one company to the next. Five minutes go by ever so fast but I got stuff done within that time. I get up and go over to Karkat sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling up a corner of the blanket, looking at his foot.

I take his foot and move it around, Karkat squeaks and I blush, "Thorry, doeth it thtill hurt a bit?"

Karkat nods, wincing even when I put it down.

"Do you have to use the bathroom before we start talking?"

Karkat lets out a frustrated sigh and nods, I nod as well and pick him up from under the knees and hold onto him as I go to the bathroom and close the door. I set him down in front of the toilet and he looks at me, "Alright you can leave now."

"Nope, not going to have another incident like latht time."

Karkat blushes and starts to walk out but cringes and his knees buckle. I grab him by his waist and shoosh him as I place him in front of the bowl again.

"C'mon it'th not that bad, just relax."

Karkat let out a list of grumbles and curse words and starts to unbutton and unzip his pants. I am holding him by his hips and looking down at him, I start to see him pull out his manhood and then I automatically look up blushing. I then remember that Karkat is only seventeen and I should _not_ be looking at his manhood.

I hear Karkat then start to relieve himself and I blush softly at the sound of Karkat peeing, and the fact the I am holding him by his hips. I feel him shake twice and just that is more than enough to get me to swoon.

_Maybe my voices are right, maybe I do fall too fast._

Karkat tucks away his manhood and turns to me, "Can I wash my hands?"

"Thure."

I take Karkat over to the sink and he washes his hands, he washes them with complete and utter focus and I giggle. He glares at me in the mirror and I then pick him up again and take him to the bedroom, setting him down on the bed and sitting down with him.

"Tho what do you wanna talk about?" I ask.

"Why you chose to take me in in my time of desperate need."

I shrug, Karkat hits my shoulder hard, I rub it and give him a honest answer, "Becauthe It theemed like you needed thomeone to talk to, then when you thtarted thaying that you wanted to die I didn't want to leave you alone in the houthe you know?"

Karkat looked away, rubbing his arms.

"I wath worried for you."

"Liar."

I quirked an eyebrow, "Why would I lie about thomething like that?"

Karkat lets out a frustrated sigh and I wished I knew what was going through his mind at the time, "You just are, I know it."

I go over to hug Karkat, "No, I'm not I promithe," I start to wrap my arms around Karkat but he shoves me away and brings his legs up to his chest, putting his forehead on his knees, he is shaking and I feel my heart breaking.

"Pleathe Karkat, let me hug you."

"No, I don't want your pity."

"I don't pity you, I am your friend."

He peeks up, "Huh?"

"I am your friend, thilly."

I see Karkat's lips start to form a smile then it goes away, I poke at him, "Did I just thee a thmile? C'mon, a thmile? Do it again."

Karkat hides his face but I know he is smiling, "Yeah."

"Lemme thee it," I plead.

Karkat looks up with his head resting on his arms and he smiled at me. He is the cutest boy I have ever seen, and these feelings starting to rise for the little snot? I have no clue what to do with it or how to feel. I run my fingers through his hair and smile at him, he smiles back and I lean in going for his lips.

_Snap out of it Sollux!_

I go for his forehead and kiss him there, I pull away with a crimson blush on my cheeks. Karkat looks at me startstruck and in awe, does he have anything to say?

"Um, I have to get back to work," I say.

"O-Of course," he stutters.

I get up and go back to work, putting on my headset and talking to the companies that were being inpatient about receiving their finished product soon. I told them to chill and that they would have it. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked to see Karkat who was, what, what was he doing?

Karkat sat on my lap with his arms around my neck, I blushed and looked at him, "Wh-What are you doing kk?"

"I am bored, I'm going to watch you work."

"Oh alright," I stare at the screen, "tith pretty boring."

"Think I can't handle it?"

"Pretty sure."

"Oh you're on."


End file.
